~By a notch~

So we talked for a long time and realised that it's a misunderstanding.Shit.I apologised,but i said what there is to say first.The spite and anger's gone.I did explained myself before this to him,but as we know,things are never easy to solve.Suppose it actually works sometimes to be confrontational.It is dumb to insult in this manner,even though i know and actually anticipated the consequences with spiteful glee.I don't want to keep things low and wait for it to pass.I do it so often just to keep myself in check,don't offend,don't create shit to clean up later.It's a few years late to start saying and doing things,no matter how irrational and angry these words are,at least they are real.I feel a strong urge to care less about what i should be.

It feels good to clear it all out though.I had felt constipated.
Anyway,saw Ray Toh just now.Hillary and him are talking about how they should discourage people from entering the artsy industry because it is hard to even get a shitty job.Someone once told me that if you're good,you'll get a job.But people as skilled as Ray Toh is finding it hard to make it in the industry...What about people like us then?Ah well.We all try.

I've been telling myself to start from the basics again.Anatomy,shapes,forms...I have a horribly weak foundation.What i really want is to have the skills to draw without much referencing.Be able to get the things in my mind just like they are on paper,at the moment when i suddenly have an idea and felt inspired.Need to get it all down before they fade off,or right before i lose interest in the idea because i don't have the technical skills to execute it at the point of time.

Some things from way back never stop bugging me.I just want to stop my mind from going over every little event and each of the methods that i could have used to change the situation.How stupid and fearful i was.I could have blah blah blah,should have blah blah...I just want to forget.Ok,i don't.I want to go back and fix it.

And i need to stop being addicted to the internet.Draw,

AHHAAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHH.BEST.




http://missirina.deviantart.com/journal/27344496/#comments

Going alright.Looking for something that can touch this deeply.All i wanted is to be .But don't ever expect anything.

Making my showreel.It's all jumbled up though.Think i'll need some advice,which to cut and which to extend,what to put in and what to drop.Just realised that i have so much work.Not sure which are up to their standards though.From what i read,there shouldn't be violence.A little nose bleed and a few splatter on a dress doesn't really matter huh?Er.Hope so.Gah,i'm not the ultimate talented kind that can catch on to new things so quickly.Been drawing for so long but i still can't draw characters without referencing on anatomy.Don't like my style either.I don't learn well from people,gets me stressed and uncertain.It's better to learn from books.

Oughta quicken the pacing.

Turns out that none of the pictures that i took yesterday can be developed.Thus i wasted $12 and all the wonderful pictures that could have been. :( So i went back to Sculpture Square just now to re-shoot.I don't know if it will work this time.Also got back the school results today.Just the provisional marks.Strange how i scored better than last semester,when i put in twice as much effort as this sem. =_=

Few hours more to Tang Yuan making and Sunday breakfast.Yay..
.
.
.
"Change everything you are
And everything you were
Your number has been called

Don’t let yourself down
And don’t let yourself go"


moreeffortplease.
What should i do to fix this?What should i work in consistently to manage things better?What can be done to stay positive..Or at least realistic?No more pessimism,gore and all that.I'm just saying.Never easy.Got to start,the hardest part is to try and start something.Is it me or is rejection stationed at every corner?Guess you just have to attack before being attacked.

I wonder where some artists disappear to.One of my favourite illustrator just vanished for months.No new updates,no new drawings,not on dA,not even in the art site that she shares with her friends.Hope nothing bad happened to her.

I went to the Fab Fibe show yesterday.No one is there.It's located at Sculpture Square and i was the only one looking at the exhibition until much later when one or two others showed up.Took many pictures of the paper sculptures.Interesting stuff.I tried experimenting with a lomo technique that i learnt ealier.I've no idea if it will turn out alright at all.I need to rewind and double expose the film,but can't find any rooms or corners that have subdued light.So,i end up going to the toilet and switching off the lights.Was loading the film really quickly and hoping that no one comes into the toilet.Was lucky because someone came inside right after i've finished loading the film and switched on the lights again.Stupid thing is,i didn't close the lid of the camera properly and part of the film may be ruined. =_= Anyway,the hell with priorities like resubmission,i'm going to the store later to check if the film developed ok or not.Gonna re-shoot if the whole thing's screwed. :((

Went to Storeytree for the first time to look at toy cameras and to find the polaroid back for my holga.It's $68 for a piece of cheap plastic polaroid film holder.Expensive hobby.=w=;; I'm anticipating pay day!Art books,polaroids,Christmas presents.

Anyway,i went on the S'pore Flyer afterwards.Student promotion now,so the ticket is only $10.Took a whole lot of night shots.The ride is kind of boring though.Think it would have been better if there are lesser people in the capsule.Screaming kids and annoying flash lights coming from all that family photo-taking...The wives in their office suits,the husbands in stripey polo tees and khakis,infants running around and torturing their grandparents.It's kind of nauseating to picture myself in their situation 10 years from now.No please no.At least for now,i'm praying that this never happens to my future self.

Some photos:







Watched Avatar with my parents on thursday.The environment is beautiful.

!!! She's coming!!OMFGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Esplanade too.

MUSE too!!

Time it was, and what a time it was, it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories, they're all that's left you.

Drew today,somehow.Did decent work too.It goes like this,everytime you reach a certain point,the defense mechanism kicks in and wakes you up,making you do things to improve the situation.Anyway,i think that i can get a polaroid back for my holga after getting my pay.And Christmas presents,Adrian Tomine's Scrapbook,a really late birthday gift etc.I'll ration my money this time.

These are the better stuff that i've been doing.It cost me $Self-doubts.00,$Mood-swings.00 and $Vacation.00(Ok,i can only blame myself for this.I had a good time staying in S'pore and spending time with Vi though):


Rejected.Screwed lighting.Wrong intepretation of instructions.Failed.But i like it.


This killed me.Really slaughtered and drained every drop of blood.I slaved over this for days and days and days.I have to combine storm clouds and morning,pinkish clouds.Have to think of a gradual change in the colours.Have to understand the lighting,and how high the cumullus clouds and wispy clouds should be.Have to make it unrealistic yet believable.I don't even know what results i am aiming for until nearly the end,i was so loaded with vastly different photo references and paintings that i have to combine into something coherent.In the end i just tried,tried and tried some more.My lecturer edited it so much that i'll be shameless to call this my work.I say it isn't.(But i am allowed to use it for my showreel!And i will!)We slapped on photo textures,painted over the shit,removed some other shit,changed lighting shadows blah blah...I have no experience in this and it really killed me.



Finally something decent.So many layers of textures to make a kampong-cracked cement-dirty-bushy-oldish ground that the file takes forever to load.



Mapping using PS on Maya model.Robotic and brainless but i actually like it.Much more than painting clouds,that is.

Driving home to be with you
The highway's dividing, the city's in view
As usual, I'm almost on time
You're the last thing that's on my mind
I wish I could tell you the way that I feel
But tonight is the night I fell asleep at the wheel

No commotion, no screaming brakes
Most of it's over before I awake
From the ceiling, my coffee cup drips
While out my window, the horizon does flips
The worst part was hitting the ground -
Not the feeling so much as the sound
Can't help but wonder if all this is real
Cause tonight is the night I fell asleep at the wheel

Rubberneck traffic and passersby
And Slow Motion Walter the fire engine guy
Stand around with their mouths open wide
I heard some idiot ask if someone's inside
With the Jaws of Life they tried and they tried
Nobody here can know how I feel
Cause tonight is the night I fell asleep at the wheel

I guess it's over now
Cause I've never seen so much
Never seen so much, never seen so much
Never seen so much, never seen so much
I guess it's over now
Cause I've never seen so much
Never seen so much, never seen so much
Never seen so much, never seen so much
So much blood

In all the confusion, there's something serene
I'm just a posthumous part of the scene
Now I'm floating above looking in
As the radio blares and wheels spin
I can see my face slump with a grin
And you...you're the last thing on my mind
You're the last thing on my mind
You're the last thing on my mind
You're the last thing on my mind

I'm going to take a bath and eat Laksa + bubble tea for Sunday breakfast.

I love Sunday breakfasts with my family.They're coming back at 3am tomorrow.I got the Christmas decorations and home-made jelly ready,even got balloons but i'm having a hard time blowing them up.=w=;; Don't waste any opportunities to celebrate.

Vi and Co. are coming over later!!To rot in my house watching VCDs maybe?

I've spent so much this week...Partly because i've finally gotten myself a lightbox! :DD Decorated my room with lomography photos too.

Gah,don't want to go to work tomorrow.It will no doubt further lower my self-esteem.Don't want to interact with the people,but i can always walk off as and when i feel like it.

I love the soundtracks in House.

"In the small town where I go to university there was a homeless man who did small chalk drawings, always in the same spot, on the pavement. He was always smiling. Over the summer, when I was away, he died. When I returned his old space was full of cards, flowers and chalk drawings from local people saying how much they will miss him. GMH"

Oh wow,i'm actually quite fast at portrait painting now.It's all about practice huh.



Rough sketch done with my Nintendo DS using a rather unstable programme called "Colors" that crashes all the time =_=.



An hour's touching up with Photoshop.I had fun!Didn't colour pick.
Gonna add in the background and body later.Wee.The realism part is done,can't wait to try out the caricature and fantasy part.Of course it's not polished right now,but i figure that i can adjust the lighting of the face after adding in the body and background.

A skeleton of trust
Right beneath us
Bone by bone
Stone by stone
If you ask yourself patiently and carefully:
Who is it ?
Who is it that never lets you down ?
Who is it that gave you back your crown ?
And the ornaments are going around
Now they're handing it over
Handing it over
.
.
.


They're off to Hokkaido.

It's really discouraging.

Another day idled away.
I'm afraid to doodle now,because i'm afraid that the results will be so bad.Sigh.

Er,i guess we can meet up as a group some time in the future.Is it kind of awkward though? =w=

In the end only jie kai showed up,so we ended up chatting about our lives in the last three years and watching 2012.It's a not-bad day i guess.

"I think there probably are people whose willfulness is crushed down by excessive discipline, and who would achieve more if they weren't so hard on themselves. One reason the young sometimes succeed where the old fail is that they don't realize how incompetent they are. This lets them do a kind of deficit spending. When they first start working on something, they overrate their achievements. But that gives them confidence to keep working, and their performance improves. Whereas someone clearer-eyed would see their initial incompetence for what it was, and perhaps be discouraged from continuing." I think you definitely need a certain amount of hard headedness and warped sense of reality to succeed. Since young I was too concerned with other people's opinion as a gauge of my self worth)

Stolen from someone's page with no guilt.
This was how i kept on drawing.I used to think that i'm real good and talented back in those days.The people around me are always encouraging.

-Met up with Vi after like,half a year?I'm an ass.

-Going to catch up with a friend that i lose contact with for three years.Just randomly saw his name on my contact list some weeks back and sent him a text.Later on,i'll be meeting a few sec school friends for dinner.Yay.

-Hello Cris,paiseh!!I think if you're free next weekend or so we should go out.Sorry for being MIA for god knows how long,then suddenly popping up during December (for a consecutive of three years,too).

-Been working in school for the past four days.I feel less useless.This is my routine: Getting up at 7.30 and clinging to my bed until 8,spend the last half and hour washing up and packing every shit,rushing to school and either watch Dr House or paint with my DS on the train,reach school then do work(Painting mood boards)that isn't up to par in an awfully slow manner until "lunch time"(Around 2 to 3 plus usually,which is not bad when i'm not hungry),eat lunch at Aston (Please.No more.I can't take the same store anymoar.),back to painting as a neck ache slowly develops,7pm pack up and have dinner for an overly long time,went home and get scolded for being late and for "not doing anything" and "maybe your internship is just a lie" and "not coming home for dinner"(Fuck,i'm release at 7 plus,when i reach home it's around 9.Cold dinner at home?Wth.)

I'm broke.Really broke.But that's because of poor money management and buying too much junk food.

-They're flying off tomorrow.There will be 8 days to do Things(Ok,just unexciting shit like staying out later then usual i suppose).